Hey, you’re new here! Welcome to Simpsonville. It’s a great place. It truly is. By the way, the City should have settled last August. You’re thinking, “Settled what?” Lucky you, you’ve avoided the pigpen. So far. Seriously, don’t climb in here with us. You don’t want to know. And the City should have settled last month. Oh, see? You’re thinking ‘settled what’ again. I’m telling you, you’ll regret jumping in here. Into the mud. Have it your way. Either way it’s gonna cost you. Yeah, if you’re a citizen of Simpsonville, even if you don’t want to make mud pies with us, it’s still going to cost you. Because even if we win we lose. It’s the old ‘you can’t unscramble the egg’ problem. Now I know this sounds cynical. Frustrated. Tired. Getting’ there. Yes, I’m gettin’ there. If I’m getting there after six months I can just imagine how everyone else in the pigpen feels, wallowing for years and all. You see, once you’re sucked into it, it’s hard to slog your way out. You’re gonna’ lose a boot in the muck. Ooh, you’re coming this way, I can guess what you’re thinking, “I’ll just look over the fence and watch.” That’s not a good idea. We’re flailing around a lot. You’re bound to get splattered. You’ll have to trust us to handle this. I can’t say much about it because it’s all covered in mud. If I can give you one piece of advice though, if you want to avoid pigpens in the future, be nice to people. Avoid the people who aren’t nice to you. We’ll get this sorted out soon. It’s not a big thing in the long run. Everything else in Simpsonville really is simply wonderful. It truly is. So, welcome home. We’re glad you’re here. As for me – back to work.■
